[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
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Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.