Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
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me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
cat vs inanimate object
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away