Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
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*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Discuss
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important