My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
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Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
The human personality is made of five key elements
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭