Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Shoo shoo! 😂
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’