‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
can’t believe I got front row seats
Today’s Times
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set