I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
My kitchen overserved me.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”