Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
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This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I need to get some bricks…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what