9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.