I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Can’t, holding a grudge
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics