Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Welcome to the stomach
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.