ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
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Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here