i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
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I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope