the best thing i’ve ever made
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I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.