Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
You Might Also Like
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
bad news gang
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.