A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!