I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
You Might Also Like
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.