WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
☠️☠️☠️
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
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i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.