Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
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i now pronounce you bounced.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..