Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Beware of the “party goblin”…
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Pat is about to own someone
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Dance like you’re not the father
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?