Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
This sounds bad:
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one