Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
You Might Also Like
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Just got to our Airbnb!
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”