does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.