6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
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LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
How times have changed.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.