a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
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1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
We have a winner.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses