Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Just got to our Airbnb!
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.