[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️