[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”