I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Teach your children to beatbox
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
figuring out my emotional availability:
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.