[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
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Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”