I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
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At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Sharon I have some bad news
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
it’s the silliest best thing
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot