lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
You Might Also Like
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.