If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Life hack
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games