Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*