Finally! 😈
You Might Also Like
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Spa day..😅
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
The internet is full of many things
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss