the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
You Might Also Like
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]