My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Oh yeah that’s it
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
That’s it.I’m out.