Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Terribly Tuesday.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school