Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Just as the prophecy foretold
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.