Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
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Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
barbara was highly relatable
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
awesome draft from months ago i just found
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.