I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.