Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.