Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
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I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said