18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Some people were born into their job.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
unbelievably distressed by this ad
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.