My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
If I ignore life will it go away?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.