My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”