Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
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like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
good let them take over I have had enough
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats