Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
You Might Also Like
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Name this drama.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.