Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
This will never not be funny 😭
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.