whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago